When Grief Makes You Someone You Don’t Recognize

Nobody tells you that grief can make you act out of character. That it can make you say things you don’t mean, isolate yourself from people who love you, or make choices you never thought you’d make. It’s not because you’ve lost control — it’s because you’ve lost your center.

When my world started shifting — losing my mom, stepping away from football, and saying goodbye to Energy and Queso — I found myself in spaces I didn’t belong in. Doing things I’d never done. Thinking in ways that didn’t align with who I’ve always been. And when the emotions settled, I was angry with myself.

Angry that I let grief take me there. Angry that I didn’t have it all together. Angry that I couldn’t just “be strong” the way everyone expected me to.

But the truth is — grief doesn’t ask for permission. It shakes you. It strips you. It brings out parts of you that were buried under survival. It makes you act from pain instead of peace, from confusion instead of clarity.

And then, when you finally catch your breath, you look in the mirror and realize — you’re not the same. That realization hurts. Because you start wondering, “What happened to me?”

But what I’ve learned is this:

The version of you that shows up in grief isn’t your downfall — it’s your reflection. It’s the raw, unfiltered you that’s trying to make sense of something senseless. You may not like how you handled it, but that doesn’t make you unworthy of grace.

You were hurting. You were coping. You were human.

Now, I give myself permission to forgive that version of me. The one who didn’t know what to do. The one who lashed out. The one who stayed silent. The one who tried to fill the empty spaces with distractions. Because she was doing the best she could — even if it wasn’t pretty.

Grief will test you. It will expose you. But it will also teach you. It will teach you how to rebuild from what’s real, not what’s perfect.

I’m learning to thank the version of me who kept showing up, even when she was lost. Because without her, I wouldn’t have found the woman I’m becoming now.

💛🌻“You are not what happened to you. You are the strength that rose from it.”

With Love,

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